I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Too much gin, very little bucket
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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