I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
