apparently the secret to your success is patron
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My day in three words: secret purse cake
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
