Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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