I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
