woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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