god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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