What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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