Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
