life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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