Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
