I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
