Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
