I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
