Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
