The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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