Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
