I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
