Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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