everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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