Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
