omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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