shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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