NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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