dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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