Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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