Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
