your parents love me but you hate me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
