So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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