There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
