Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
