so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
