i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
