I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize