just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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