Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
