I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
