in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Come share oat with me in your robe
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize