his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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