I could make wine with my vomit
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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