My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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