I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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