Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Watching her eat just hurts me
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Who died my cat blue again?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
