I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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