No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
