Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
