Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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