You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
