I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
