just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
