Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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