it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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