my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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