Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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