I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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