It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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