i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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